Buffy and the Melodramatic Parody
by Isilme Kementari
Summary: Next chapter is up! Enjoy :D A massively AU parody very loosely based on Tabula Rasa. Rated M for sex and possibly some language. oh! and character bashing! Yay!
1. In which there is flirtation And abuse

Scratching the corners of my brain for ideas… thinking about this massively melodramatic play… then thinking about Tabula Rasa… uh-oh! Beware!!

Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is a parody, so should (hopefully) be funny!

Rating: R, just so I don't offend anyone!!

Pairing: X/W, W/T, G/A, B/S, D/D

Feedback: Ah go on! 

Distribution: you actually want my story? Are you mad! Well feel free, just ask and it's yours…well not yours…but you can borrow it for a bit, as long as you take its coat and mittens, these February days are cold!

Set: **Very** AU but around Tabula Rasa.

Spoilers: I'm a BBC watcher… Spoilers! Don't make me laugh!!

Disclaimer: I own nuttink, honestly Mr. police cop! Nuttink! Zat threat to Joss vas nuttink to do vith me… honestly! Vat do you mean you 'aven't said anysink about a death threat… ah…*laughs nervously* lovely veather ve are havink, ya? (where exactly am I from? What language am I speaking? Where am I? How long can I keep all this stuff going on before I get to the story? Obviously not long, coz here…it…is!)

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Buffy and the melodramatic parody

Joan ran swiftly through the graveyard in pursuit of that pesky vampire up ahead. She shouted after the mean vamp,

"HEY! Hey, Mr.! Where do you think you're going?! Come back here!" she threw the axe in her hand which flew through the air and hit the vampire, cutting it's head off. "Ooh neat! Oh. Guess you can't come back now" she said, disappointed.

Suddenly she heard a noise behind her and she whirled round, losing her balance and falling straight into the arms of

"RANDY!" flustered, she fell to the ground and gasped. Randy looked down at her in a very manly way, and crouched next to her

"Hey beautiful, need a hand?" he said manfully offering her a hand.

Joan looked coyly down at the ground, and blushed. She took his manfully outstretched hand and he pulled her up. She flushed at being so close to his manly muscles. Her hands placed so delicately on those firm abs…*concentrate*

He gently brushed her hair from her face and raised her chin so she was looking up at him. She saw herself reflected in those clear blue eyes and heard music swelling and her heart fill with love for Randy. _Randy?_

The music died. 

She pulled herself away and brushed imaginary dirt from her pristine clothes.

"Where was I? Oh yes…" she walked over to the axe, now lying embedded in the grass. She pulled it out with ease and slung it over her shoulder.

"Bloody hell!!" came the startled cry from behind her. Joan turned quickly and saw Randy crouched on the floor with a less than manful tuft of hair clutched in his hand,

"Oh! Oh I'm so sorry Randy! I didn't realise you were there!" 

To her horror, un-manful tears welled up in Randy's eyes,

"Yeah well, its always the way isn't it? You never notice I'm there…always making with the puppy dog eyes at that fool Riley… just because he has big macho muscles and I… I could never compare to that…" he sniffed and stared up at her with a hurt look in his eyes

"Oh…Randy! It's not anything to with Riley. Really, Randy. You know I rely on you. You're my rock. You're rock-hard!" she smiled, pleased at her little joke.

Randy looked startled, and flustered. "I didn't realise it was so obvious" he mumbled as he pulled the tweed jacket tightly around his manful crotch.

Joan stared blankly at him for a minute, then her eyes slowly drifted down to his crotch,

"OH! No, no… I didn't mean… oh… Ew!" she looked grossed out for a moment then suddenly confused, and then hopeful "Really?" she looked coyly at him.

Randy stared at her, "well… duh. Isn't it obvious?" she shook her head shyly, then they both froze.

Randy manfully leant over her and turned his head slightly, closing his eyes, and closing the gap between them. Joan closed her own eyes and leant forward slightly. Their lips met and they smooched for a while. They broke apart after a considerable amount of time, 

"Oh Randy…" she breathed

"Joan…Joan…" he replied. They both stopped. 

__

"Randy? RANDY?! No. No way…"

"Joan…Bloody hell… Couldn't she think of a better name? Bloody hell…" 

They smiled awkwardly at another and said at the same time

"Randy… it's a lovely…"

"Joan… That's an unusual…"

Suddenly they were interrupted by a vampire. He broke quickly out of the ground beneath them, grabbing at Joan's ankle as he scrambled from the grave

She screamed. Loudly.

"Oh god! Randy! Help me! Help me! For the love of god help me!!"

"It's ok Joan, I'm coming!" he ran up to her and manfully pulled her out of the clutches of the evil vampire. He grabbed a handily pointy tree branch lying next to the grave and stabbed the vampire. Right in the shoulder. 

"No! No Randy! In the heart! The _heart!_" 

"Oh. Damnit!" he grasped the branch and stabbed wildly for the vampire again, this time his aim was true, and the vampire exploded into a thousand particles of dust. 

Joan stood and rushed into his waiting arms "oh thank you, thank you so much, I was so scared! I don't care if you're got a stupid name, you saved my life!"

Randy froze (manfully)

"What did you say?"

Btw, I adore Spike/Randy…whatever…he is the epitome of gorgeousity, its just for amusement purposes that I take the piss… Dawn on the other hand…well…I wouldn't say no to giving her a couple of punches… *manic grin*

Hehe! Ok, so I was amused, but was anyone else? Is it worth carrying on? Come on, there's a lovely button just waiting to be pressed down there… *ooh… review… review…* what was that? Hmm…strange voices… you'd better do what they say! :D

Dork with a Fork 

xxx 


	2. In which there are many insults

Scratching the corners of my brain for ideas… thinking about this massively melodramatic play… then thinking about Tabula Rasa… uh-oh! Beware!!

Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is a parody, so should (hopefully) be funny!

Rating: R, just so I don't offend anyone!!

Pairing: X/W, W/T, G/A, B/S, D/D

Feedback: Ah go on! Come on people, if I don't get feedback how do I know if you like or hate my story?

Distribution: you actually want my story? Are you mad! Well feel free, just ask and it's yours…well not yours…but you can borrow it for a bit, as long as you take its coat and mittens, these February days are cold!

Set: **Very** AU but around Tabula Rasa.

Spoilers: I'm a BBC watcher… Spoilers! Don't make me laugh!!

Disclaimer: I own nuttink, honestly Mr. police cop! Nuttink! Zat threat to Joss vas nuttink to do vith me… honestly! Vat do you mean you 'aven't said anysink about a death threat… ah…*laughs nervously* lovely veather ve are havink, ya? (where exactly am I from? What language am I speaking? Where am I? How long can I keep all this stuff going on before I get to the story? Obviously not long, coz here…it…is!)

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Buffy and the melodramatic parody

"What? What what what did you say?" Randy manfully pulled back from Joan staring, unbelievingly into her downcast face,

"I didn't mean anything by it…it's just…it's a very unusual name isn't it? Randy…" she laughed nervously, realising there was no way out of this one.

Randy manfully paced up and down 

"I can't believe you think my name is stupid! I mean losing my memory was bad enough… finding out I was a vampire was bad enough… finding out GILES was my dad was bad enough…but this? I might as well go and stake myself. Did you ever care about me? Or was it all just to say you've kissed a guy called RANDY? Eh? Come on _Joan!_ And don't even get me started on your name. I mean, you think Randy's a stupid name… for god's sake! At least I didn't name myself…Joan! Jeez! I mean… it would have been pretty weird if I'd named myself Joan…but you know what I…"

He trailed off as he saw the expression on her face "Ah…"

"What's wrong with Joan?"

"I didn't mean anything by it… it's just… a very… unusual name isn't it? Joan…" he laughed nervously, realising there was no way out of this one.

"It's just a bit…plain for a superhero, d…don't you think?" he said sheepishly, still digging the hole for himself, as she stood in the trademark Buffy way, arms crossed, legs slightly apart, head back (you know how I mean!)

"d…don't you…think?" he said, more timidly this time, seeming to shrink under Joan's fierce (yet slightly amused) gaze.

"No, actually, _Randy _I don't think it's plain, I think its very… classic, and… and… beautiful…" she stopped, realising she wasn't winning this one either. "Well so what if it's a bit plain! At least it's not as bad as RANDY!" she said petulantly

Randy scoffed at her (manfully) "it is." He said. "Its _worse!_" 

"Isn't!"

"Is" 

"Isn't!"

"Is"

"Isn't!"

"Is"

"ISN'T!"

"IS!"

They paused, noses a millimeter apart, breathing heavily… 

"Oh, _Randy…"_

"Oh, _Joan…_" 

In a moment they fell against each other, kissing passionately. 

A few minutes later, Alex, Willow and Tara ran up wheezing heavily

"Man! Is that woman fast!" Alex panted out. "WHOA!" he exclaimed, having just spotted Randy and Joan… otherwise engaged.

Willow and Tara didn't seem to notice as they were slightly preoccupied trying to avoid getting too close to each other in case Alex spotted that his girlfriend was, in fact, gay. 

"Hey… Willow, you wanna go make out… coz I can't remember the last time we kissed like that!" Alex grinned at his 'girlfriend' who was smiling weakly at his little joke.

Trying to keep up the charade that she wasn't gay, Willow agreed.

"Sure… baby, er… your bush or mine?" Alex grinned lecherously and dragged her into the nearest bush. 

For the next 25 minutes, Tara stood alone, feeling very much like a gooseberry. 

*

Joan and Randy appeared from their bush, looking severely dishevelled. Randy manfully straightened his tweed and Joan agitatedly patted her (for once) hopelessly messy hair. A moment later Alex and Willow appeared, Alex strutting into the clearing, and Willow awkwardly following, feeling pretty sure she wasn't made to be straight. 

Tara smiled awkwardly as the couples tried to pretend the last 25 minutes hadn't happened, for Tara's sake at least. 

"Right" Joan said brightly, picking off a stray leaf attached to her be-hind. "Shall we continue?" with that she moved off into the bushes on the other side of the clearing.

Sorry it took so long to get up… too much GCSE coursework… what can I say? Forgive me…

Ok, so what did you think of that one? Come on! God damnit! Review!! Btw thanks to the 2 people who actually have… *grumble grumble* 

Should I bother with a third chapter? I could probably come up with a few GOOD ideas, maybe including dawn bashing (my favourite topic) or more Spike (my favourite topic… oh… ok I stand corrected!)

All Mighty Terrestrial- Cheers, it is quite like Halloween isn't it? Hmm… well I liked that episode so I spose that's a compliment! Lol. As long as it's only a Spuffy SPOOF I'll be ok, but I worry that although I fully support the Buffy/Spike relationship I don't like fluff…

Azure K Mello- well at least the disclaimer entertained you! Lol, I'm not quite sure what possessed me to write that disclaimer tbh… it was a moment of madness (I seem to have a lot of them… like writing this fic in the first place, for example!) I hope you're awake enough to read this! :D

Dork with a Fork

x x x x x x x x x 


	3. In which Dawn sends everyone to sleep

Scratching the corners of my brain for ideas… thinking about this massively melodramatic play… then thinking about Tabula Rasa… uh-oh! Beware!!

****

This fic is not meant to offend

Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is a parody, so should (hopefully) be funny! **WARNING: muchos Dawn-os bashing…os in this chapter, and probably subsequent chapters too! :D**

Rating: R, just so I don't offend anyone!!

Pairing: X/W, W/T, G/A, B/S, D/D

Feedback: Ah go on! Come on people, if I don't get feedback how do I know if you like or hate my story?

Distribution: you actually want my story? Are you mad! Well feel free, just ask and it's yours…well not yours…but you can borrow it for a bit, as long as you take it's umbrella and wellys, these March days are wet!

Set: **Very** AU but around Tabula Rasa.

Spoilers: I'm a BBC watcher… Spoilers! Don't make me laugh!!

Disclaimer: Does anyone else think I should change my disclaimer? Or is it just me that's kinda bored of it now? "I own nuttink, honestly Mr. police cop! Nuttink! Zat threat to Joss vas nuttink to do vith me… honestly! Vat do you mean you 'aven't said anysink about a death threat… ah…*laughs nervously* lovely veather ve are havink, ya?" (Where exactly am I from? What language am I speaking? Where am I? How long can I keep all this stuff going on before I get to the story? Obviously not long, coz here…it…is!)

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Buffy and the melodramatic parody

*Later on, At the Magic Box*

Joan dramatically hurled the door open and swept into the shop, Randy manfully hot on her heels (in more than one way.) Willow and Alex followed, holding hands, Alex swaggering and Willow craning to see where Tara had gone. 

Rupert and Anya scrambled up from their compromising position on the floor, and smiled at the intruders. Rupert cleaned his glasses, and Anya hung off his arm. 

"I've gathered you all here because there's something you should know" Joan said purposefully, once everyone had settled themselves.

"But you di-" Alex began before Joan glared at him and cut him off mid-sentence

"I've gathered you all here because…" (dramatic pause) "I think you should all know that Randy has a terrible secret, something that must never be revealed, something that will affect us all, something that will make you rethink the way you look at the world, the way you eat breakfast, the way you clean between your toes, the way-" 

She stopped when she realised that everyone was asleep. Joan coughed subtly (i.e. Had a massive hacking coughing, gagging fit).

As one, the group woke (obviously excluding Joan)

*SNERK*

Joan continued "As I was saying… Randy is…a…" Rupert's head had started to nod again, raising her voice she shouted 

"Randy's a VAMPIRE!"

As one, the group gasped (obviously excluding Joan)

*GASP!*

"Randy's a what now?"

"Will he steal the money?" 

"Is he dangerous?"

"Oh Goddess!"

"A Vampire? Highly irregular… my own son… I never suspected…"

"Hey! I didn't even know I was! And I'm safe…honestly dad, like a neutered puppy!"

"But the money!"

The group all began speaking at once, when the door suddenly and petulantly burst open and there was a blinding flash of light. A moment later, the group had grabbed their sun-contact-lenses (handily placed) and put them in (also easier to work with in the plot than sunglasses!!) Except Alex who kept poking himself in the eye. Screaming, he forced the pesky lense into his eye. 

"Phew" he sighed, putting his arm slyly around Willow.

Dawn bounded over to the table and screamed. Loudly.

"AAAAAAHH!!!!! Sorry, felt like something I usually do." The gang smiled in a pained way at her, wishing they'd brought their earplugs, so they could ignore the brat.

"As I was saying…" Joan said, exasperated that Dawn had stolen her limelight.

"What were you saying?" Dawn whined, "Was it about me?"

"Oddly enough, no." the whole group replied (even Tara, who we all know needs a backbone) 

"Actually, it was about Randy." Said Joan.

Dawn's face fell. 

When Dawn realised Joan hadn't started speaking yet she immediately began chatting away, oblivious to the fact that the constant barrage of bollocks coming out of her mouth was like having a pneumatic drill slowly pushed through your head. 

As the group slowly slipped into a stupor, a crazy plan began to form in Joan's head. Raising her head slowly off the table, she looked round the group and wondered if she would ever get out of the room alive to tell them the plan.

Well… I wasn't sure I was going to finish this chapter so quickly (for me anyway) so I'm pleased with myself…even if I should have been doing my art coursework (exam in 2 weeks!!! AAAH!) anyway… review please! :D and thank you SO much to the people that have, you made my day! (Well most of you…)

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Masquerade- I know exactly what you mean, so I sympathise… I hope this chapter's up to scratch! Cheer up :D

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Emmylou- Thanks! I'm glad it's not just me distracting myself with fanfic! Hope it's updated quickly enough for you!

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Wolf116- hehe, I think this chapter should have enough Dawn bashing for you, and more to come! *Grins evilly* mmmm… naked Spike… sorry, got a bit distracted there! Lol. (I'm fairly new to this, what are A Ns? I thought author notes but I wasn't sure! :S) well I always thought it was an amusing episode so what the hell!!

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Sweetietruth- Honestly, why did you bother reading it if you knew you wouldn't like it. Why did you even bother clicking the link? On. My. Story.

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Randy Bly- seriously, I have no problem with the name Randy, I never meant to offend you, or anyone else with the name Randy, no bullshit. It was only meant as a joke, and I hope no one with the name Joan gets offended either!

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Serenity- Thank yoo! I hope I will write more chapters (I hope you'll like them!) and never fear, there will be plenty of Dawn bashing and even more Spike! :D

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Azure K Mello- awh! That's the nicest review I've had so far! Thanks so much! I'm so jealous, I'd love to go to drama school! Thanks for the ideas, I was wondering where it was going to go from here, and they're just perfect! Once more, thank you!! :D 

Thanks everyone!

Dork with a Fork

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


	4. In which there is much fiestiness

Scratching the corners of my brain for ideas… thinking about this massively melodramatic play… then thinking about Tabula Rasa… uh-oh! Beware!!

****

This fic is not meant to offend

Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is a parody, so should (hopefully) be funny! **WARNING: muchos Dawn-os bashing…os in this chapter, and probably subsequent chapters too! :D**

Rating: R, just so I don't offend anyone!!

Pairing: X/W, W/T, G/A, B/S, D/D

Feedback: Ah go on! Come on people, if I don't get feedback how do I know if you like or hate my story?

Distribution: you actually want my story? Are you mad! Well feel free, just ask and it's yours…well not yours…but you can borrow it for a bit, as long as you take it's umbrella and wellys, these March days are wet!

Set: **Very** AU but around Tabula Rasa.

Spoilers: I'm a BBC watcher… Spoilers! Don't make me laugh!!

Disclaimer: Does anyone else think I should change my disclaimer? Or is it just me that's kinda bored of it now? "I own nuttink, honestly Mr. police cop! Nuttink! Zat threat to Joss vas nuttink to do vith me… honestly! Vat do you mean you 'aven't said anysink about a death threat… ah…*laughs nervously* lovely veather ve are havink, ya?" (Where exactly am I from? What language am I speaking? Where am I? How long can I keep all this stuff going on before I get to the story? Obviously not long, coz here…it…is!)

****

Buffy and the melodramatic parody

*Seven Hours Later*

Dawn had finally talked herself to sleep, after six hours ranting about her shiny, shiny hair. A further hour after that Joan woke up (being the slayer she always had to be the first to do everything.) she looked around the room, wondering what time it was. Judging by the dim light starting to penetrate the blinds, about six in the morning. Suddenly she woke completely

"_Randy!"_ she whispered, looking frantically around the room for his manly form. There he was…lying so peacefully; he almost looked like he was sleeping… Oh wait. He was. 

Joan ran over to him and gently shook him. No response. She shook him a bit harder. No response. She shook him with all her (considerable) slayer strength. No response. She was flummoxed. Then she smiled… she knew what would wake him…

She threw her leg over his, so she was sitting on him. (No, come on! get your minds out of the gutter!) She leant closer and smiled as she pressed her lips to his,

"Oh _Buffy!" _he smiled sleepily, not noticing the suddenly shocked expression on Joan's face

"WHAT?! What did you call me? I can't believe this! All along, I thought you liked me, but instead you were thinking of this… Buffy…what kind of a ridiculous name is that anyway? _Buffy…_I can't believe it! You're cheating on me with someone called… Buffy…" With that she burst into tears.

Randy was slightly (and manfully) confused "Joan… what's the matter… luv?" he pulled her close and held her as she cried

"No! Randy, I should hate you! Why can't I hate you?" she smiled shyly up at him. He smiled manfully back at her. Suddenly Joan remembered why she had been trying to wake him

"Randy! Quickly! We have to get you somewhere dark, the sun's coming up!" she ran over to the door and threw it open, oblivious to the fact that their little… entanglement had lasted a while longer than expected. Sunlight streamed into the shop, and Randy took a perfect comedy dive behind the counter to escape it.

"Bloody hell! What do you think you're playing at? Are you trying to kill me?" Randy yelled, inadvertently waking everyone in the shop (except Dawn who could sleep through an apocalypse, and had done on more than one occasion)

Joan slammed the door shut, 

"Oops! Sorry honey!" she ran over to him, and placed her hands all over his manly body to… er… check he wasn't…burned. 

The gang averted their eyes as things got a bit feisty. Alex coughed not so subtly. 

*HACK! GAG!*

"Huh?" Joan's muffled voice said

"Oh… uh… Joan, wanna go back to your house and um…live up to my name?" Randy said quietly, in a very randy (and manful) way.

"Hell yes!" Joan said, grabbing his hand and running to the door. Just before she opened it, she stopped

"Damnit! Daylight… DAMNIT! WHERE DO I LIVE?!" Joan was considerably frustrated (in more than one way!) 

"Oh! I can help with that!" Anya yelled, making everyone jump. "While Rupert and I were… cleaning the shop, I found this address book… under the shelves" Rupert blushed, and Anya looked shifty. She stuck out her arm, and gave Joan the address book.

"But I'm not in here" Joan said, stupidly. 

She turned the page, and her eyes glazed over.

"What is it pet?" Randy asked, peering over her shoulder. 

Joan snapped the book shut and marched over to the door throwing a blanket at Randy. She yanked the door open, and dragged Randy with her as she strode purposefully out of the door.

"Well… what now?" Alex asked, leering at Willow. She smiled weakly.

"It's a pity Joan took the address book with her, isn't it?" Willow said coolly, glancing appreciatively at Tara when she restrained a giggle. 

"Hey, Tara do you want to explore the shop?" Willow said, and Tara nodded. They hurried off into the back to… explore…

"Hey Will! You want me to come and protect you? We could smooch!" Alex yelled after her, feeling slightly left out, although he couldn't quite work out what from.

*

"Willow… I thought you'd already seen what was behind here. Why did you want to come back here?" Tara asked as they stood just slightly too close in the gym behind the shop.

"Tara… I don't really know how to say this, and I don't know how you'll react. I just want to know that you wont ignore me if… if…" she stopped, as she saw that Tara was smiling.

"What?" Willow asked gently.

Tara said nothing, just looked into Willow's eyes. Willow stopped, spellbound. For once in her life Tara took the initiative. Leaning forward she tentatively placed a kiss on Willow's lips. Seeing that Willow didn't pull away, she deepened the kiss.

*Twenty Minutes Later*

"I think I should go see where they are. Don't you think I should go see where they are?" Alex said for the tenth time in the last five minutes.

"Oh for pete's sake! Just go already!" Anya said, angrily.

Alex got up, walked two steps forward then turned. Turned back. Then turned once more. 

"I don't want to crowd her so early in our relationship. What do you think? What if she's in danger?" 

Anya deflated. She'd been looking forward to some more of Rupert's er… cleaning. (Oh gross…sorry just got the double meaning!) It didn't appear that the rather attractive man was going to leave any time soon. 

Alex turned towards the door again and walked decisively towards it. Anya breathed a sigh of relief.

Alex paused with his hand on the handle, unsure why he had such a sense of foreboding. Taking a deep breath he turned the handle and entered the room.

Ok, even I'm impressed with myself this time. I'm wrote this chapter on the same day as I put up chapter 3! 

No messages to people, as I'm not sure if the last chapters even up yet!

Dork with a Fork

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


	5. In which there is a large amount of sex

Scratching the corners of my brain for ideas… thinking about this massively melodramatic play… then thinking about Tabula Rasa… uh-oh! Beware!!

****

This fic is not meant to offend

Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is a parody, so should (hopefully) be funny! **WARNING: muchos Dawn-os bashing…os and also… naked Spike! (I really hope I get around to naked Spike!)**

Rating: R, just so I don't offend anyone!!

Pairing: X/W, W/T, G/A, B/S, D/D

Feedback: Ah go on! Come on people, if I don't get feedback how do I know if you like or hate my story?

Distribution: you actually want my story? Are you mad! Well feel free, just ask and it's yours…well not yours…but you can borrow it for a bit, as long as you take it's umbrella and wellys, these March days are wet!

Set: **Very** AU but around Tabula Rasa.

****

Stuff in ~* *~ are thoughts

Spoilers: I'm a BBC watcher… Spoilers! Don't make me laugh!!

Disclaimer: Does anyone else think I should change my disclaimer? Or is it just me that's kinda bored of it now? "I own nuttink, honestly Mr. police cop! Nuttink! Zat threat to Joss vas nuttink to do vith me… honestly! Vat do you mean you 'aven't said anysink about a death threat… ah…*laughs nervously* lovely veather ve are havink, ya?" (Where exactly am I from? What language am I speaking? Where am I? How long can I keep all this stuff going on before I get to the story? Obviously not long, coz here…it…is!)

****

Buffy and the melodramatic parody

Alex peered round the door, his heart thumping. He looked around the gym, trying to spot Willow and Tara, only to find them firmly attached to each other's mouths. He screamed like a woman and tore out of the gym.

Willow and Tara stopped momentarily.

"What was that?" Tara asked uncertainly

"Probably my boyfriend discovering I'm gay…" Willow replied before pulling Tara back to her hungry mouth.

*

A moment later, Alex was in the main shop, where he began screaming again, and ran out of the shop.

"What was that?" Rupert asked, momentarily stopping cleaning

"Probably Alex realising his girlfriend's gay" Anya said, forcing Rupert to resume cleaning.

*At Buffy Summer's House*

Joan marched purposefully up to the door and whirled round to face Randy

"Recognise anything?" She demanded

"Please luv, I think I'm about to burn up!" Randy pleaded with the incensed blonde. Joan spun back to the door and began pounding on it.

Five minutes later, when no one had responded, and the door had a considerable dent in it Randy timidly suggested she stop

"Oh… right. I guess the bitch is afraid to answer the door on her CHEATING boyfriend." 

Randy took a step further back into the shade

"And I don't know where you think you're going Mr.!" Joan exclaimed grabbing him and dragging him off round the side of the house. 

Reaching the back door she yanked it open and hurled Randy inside. While he was manfully picking himself up off the kitchen floor Joan burst into tears. Randy looked at her, mystified.

Between sobs, she explained

"I thought I might have been *sob* wrong! But now! *sob* you could enter the house *sob* that means you **have** been *sob* cheating! *SOB!*" at this point she broke down completely, and Randy, being the manly man he is got up and put his arms around her.

After a few minutes he gently pulled her through the house and found the living room. Handing her a box of kleenex he patiently sat, stroking her hair while she sobbed. 

Randy, being the manful, hunky and clever bloke he is, had worked out by now that this was the infamous Buffy's house. He couldn't remember cheating on Joan, and found that he had no desire to when trying to imagine this Buffy character. So this presented a problem to him. He thought long and hard about this, while Joan cried long and hard about it.

When Joan had regained a bit of her composure, and was sitting on the couch sniffing, Randy got up and wandered thoughtfully around the room looking manfully at the objects lying around. Then he went and explored the house. 

Joan followed, still wondering if she could be wrong. 

~* How could this wonderful, sensitive, manly… sexy, sexy man cheat on her? Ooh… Randy naked… NO! Joan… concentrate! *~

Reaching a suspiciously bedroom like door Joan pushed it open and peered inside

"Well unless this Buffy is a teenager this isn't her room… oh god… she's not a teenager is she?"

Randy gave her a sarcastic look

~* Ooh I wish he wouldn't do that… it's so unlike him… and yet, positively arousing… NO! Find the Buffy bitch first. *~ 

Slamming open the second door with renewed vigour Joan realised this was it. And yet… looking around the room she got the feeling of deja vu…

She hunted the room for some evidence of Randy's presence, but not a single piece of tweed was to be seen. However, there was a rather sexy leather duster hanging in Buffy's wardrobe. 

~* This Buffy must be a massive slut! Who knows what other leather gear she has hanging around… *~ Joan thought to herself as she rooted around Buffy's drawers.

"Damnit!" she said slamming the desk. At this a key fell off the desk which Joan snatched up and tried it in the chest on Buffy's floor. Oddly, there was a bottle of holy water, some garlic and a handful of stakes in there. 

Joan was confused. Something was wrong in this scenario. Looking at the noticeboard she saw pictures of Willow, Alex, Dawn and Rupert. She got more confused. Going to the bedside cabinet she looked in those drawers, discovering a picture of…

"No way" Joan said, stifling an unbelieving laugh "No… WAY!"

"What is it pet?" Randy asked looking over her shoulder "BLOODY HELL!" 

There in Joan's hand was a picture of Randy, in tight black jeans, a black t-shirt and that leather duster in the wardrobe. And standing provocatively next to him was…

"Joan… well… you an- and m-me… we're well… different in this picture…"

"Y-yes…" Joan said, mesmerised by the picture.

"Randy?"

"Yes Joan?"

"Now"

With that they fell into each other's arms, Randy frantically pulling his tank top off, and unbuttoning his shirt to reveal those finely toned muscles. Joan easily pulled her top over her head and watched as that manly flesh appeared. As soon as he'd finished unbuttoning his shirt he grabbed her trousers and yanked the zipper. Slipping his own off they fell against each other and straight onto the bed.

*Four hours later*

Joan lay sleeping on the pillow next to him, and Randy stroked her hair as she slept. He had been amazed. She was such a small woman, but god did she have some stamina! And being a vampire himself he had the advantage over human men. That was definitely an afternoon he'd never forget! He chuckled softly at his little joke and slid out of bed.

He had also had an odd feeling coming into the room, and he wanted to find out why. Slipping on the leather duster over his naked form, he padded the room, opening drawers quietly and rifling through the contents. Finding a diary he opened it and began reading

__

'Dawn is such a pain in the ass. Why can't she understand what it's like for me! I know she's my sister and I know I haven't been around much lately, but it's not my fault! 

I've felt so disconnected from everything. Spike's the only one who's been there for me. Being dead already he knows what its like. I feel so wrong being with him but at the same time it feels so completely right. 

It's so different than it was with Angel. Maybe it's the eyes, Angel always had pathetic puppy dog eyes. To be honest, he was more attractive as Angelus, he had that spark of danger. I think that's what attracts me to Spike, he's so different, but he understands so much. 

If I didn't know any better I'd say I was falling in love with him… no, that's ridiculous… but even so…' 

Randy narrowed his eyes as he read, cogs working in his mind as he tried to figure it out. He heard Joan stirring, and turning to her he found her propped on her elbow smiling at him

~* Jesus! He has the biggest- *~

"Hello" Randy said interrupting her thought as he smiled back at her

"It suits you" Joan said gesturing to the duster, "especially with nothing underneath"

Randy raised an eyebrow at her, and she felt a quiver go down her spine. She mentally shook herself and, spotting the diary held out her hand to it.

Randy gave it to her and she scanned the page he had just read. Her eyes narrowed, then widened as she read it.

"What does this mean?" she asked (as if he would know!)

"I'm… not entirely sure" Randy replied cautiously, "I know what it looks like, but I don't want to draw sudden conclusions."

"Do you think… that maybe, I'm… Buffy?" Joan asked half-incredulously, half-believing.

"I don't know" Randy replied, turning away "but it would explain a lot…"

So what do you think? Never fear, there will be more Dawn bashing next chapter, but hey! This chapter has Spike naked! What more could you want!! :D

Thank You so, SO much to the people who have reviewed so far, keep up the good work! :D

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Caitee Marsters- firstly great pen name! What a great religion, how do I join? J I'm pretty anti fluffy spuffy (hehe) but my fic seems to have gone that way…oops! I meant for it to be just a bit Buffy & Spike rather than spuffy…anyway! Thank you! I will read your story, but as I have my art exam on Monday (AAAAH!!) I probably won't be able to for a while! Thanks! 

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Rose Williams- ah, I'm so glad it's not just us brits moping along behind the americans! Where are you in the series? We're mid-way through season six. Thanks for reviewing!

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Wolf116- I can't help it, I hate Dawn…what else can I say?! :D hopefully there'll be more in the next chappie!

Lastly, I'm so sorry this has taken so bloody long to get up, but my computer broke (ie. No hard drive space and no mouse. Wonderful.) so I've been bereft of anything to do! Lol, but seriously… hopefully it'll all be sorted out soon, so I hope this chapter's worth the wait…hmm…

Dork with a Fork 

xxx


	6. In which Dawn's true identity is reveale...

Scratching the corners of my brain for ideas… thinking about this massively melodramatic play… then thinking about Tabula Rasa… uh-oh! Beware!!

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This fic is not meant to offend

Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is a parody, so should (hopefully) be funny! **WARNING: muchos Dawn-os bashing…os, also Riley bashing, although unfortunately no naked Spike in this one!**

Rating: R, just so I don't offend anyone!!

Pairing: X/W, W/T, G/A, B/S, D/D

Feedback: Ah go on! Come on people, if I don't get feedback how do I know if you like or hate my story?

Distribution: you actually want my story? Are you mad! Well feel free, just ask and it's yours…well not yours…but you can borrow it for a bit, as long as you take it's umbrella and wellys, these March days are wet!

Set: **Very** AU but around Tabula Rasa.

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Stuff in ~* *~ are thoughts

Spoilers: I'm a BBC watcher… Spoilers! Don't make me laugh!!

Disclaimer: Does anyone else think I should change my disclaimer? Or is it just me that's kinda bored of it now? "I own nuttink, honestly Mr. police cop! Nuttink! Zat threat to Joss vas nuttink to do vith me… honestly! Vat do you mean you 'aven't said anysink about a death threat… ah…*laughs nervously* lovely veather ve are havink, ya?" (Where exactly am I from? What language am I speaking? Where am I? How long can I keep all this stuff going on before I get to the story? Obviously not long, coz here…it…is!)

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Buffy and the melodramatic parody

*Back in the Magic Box*

The Scoobies were gathered round the table, listening intently to Joan as she explained her plan. 

While at Buffy's house, Randy and Joan had decided to keep what they had found out to themselves, at least until they had more proof.

"So, I think this Dawn must be some kind of demon. Maybe she talks other people to death, but because she's lost her memory she can only talk them to sleep," Joan explained, "and herself along with them," she added as an afterthought. 

"Maybe she's taking revenge on one of us. I like that idea, a… Vengeance demon…" Anya butted in, looking pleased with herself.

"Maybe, I don't know. But I think her hair could be the key to her power, I mean, how many people do you know with hair _that_ shiny?"

The others looked uneasily round the room and voiced their agreement.

"Rupert, could you have a look in a few of these books, and see if there's any reference to a demon by the name of Umad. I think she may have been giving away more than she intended when she let slip with that little pun." 

Rupert nodded and moved away to the books, closely followed by Anya.

"Every one else; find a pair of scissors, or something sharp, and get cutting."

They all moved grimly away to find a sharp implement. When they had successfully done this, they gathered themselves around the sleeping figure and moved in. 

Just as Joan's scissors had touched Umad's hair she sat straight up and screamed

"AAAH!!!"

Then yawned… the group were puzzled

"What's up guys?" she said. The group didn't respond. "Guys?" she said, a little more tentatively. 

Joan signaled and Randy leapt forward, pinning Umad's arms down, whilst the rest of the group were trying desperately to use scissors before the inevitable happened and Umad started shrieking. Willow, Tara and Joan then began snipping swiftly and energetically at her hair. 

After a few minutes they were all covered in hair, even Umad, only she had none on her head. Umad had now stopped screaming and was bawling. Loudly. (Does she ever do ANYTHING quietly?) 

Randy stuck some duct tape over her mouth, and Joan signaled to the group. They all pulled the cotton wool out of their ears and breathed a sigh of relief. There was no question that Dawn had been Umad, the evil, extremely talkative demon from some hell dimension.

"Thank god she's being quiet now…" Randy said gratefully.

Suddenly the door slammed open 

"JOAN! Are you ok? I was so worried! I thought something had happened!" 

Joan shared a look with Randy who was looking daggers at Riley. She hid a smile and turned to Riley,

"Why? What's happened" she said, trying to force herself to sound concerned

"Well… I wandered all over town, trying to find you, and I couldn't, so I came here and well… here you are!" he beamed at her and made to hug her

Joan jerked backward suddenly

"Uh… Randy you remember that thing… in the back… you know the thing… we should get the thing…" she turned and beckoned to Randy with her head.

"Oh… of course, the… the thing that we have to get…" Randy mumbled as he hurried after Joan.

Riley looked after them like a wounded puppy, and began whimpering as soon as she had left his sight. 

The others looked at him witheringly and he backed into a corner, probably to scratch his fleas.

* In the back *

Randy pushed Joan up against a wall, and she grinned as this powerful side of him emerged. He leant up close to her and pressed his lips hungrily to hers. 

* Back in the main shop *

"I think I should go see where they are. Don't you think I should go see where they are?" Riley whined for the hundredth time in the last five minutes.

"Oh for Pete's sake! Just go already!" Anya said, vehemently.

Riley got up, waddled two steps forward then turned. Turned back. Turned. Turned back. Turned once more. 

"I don't want to crowd her so early in our relationship. What do you think? What if she's in danger?" 

The group glowered at Riley who just stood there, looking helplessly at the door to the back room. He obviously wasn't going to leave anytime soon.

After a few minutes of dithering Riley turned towards the door again and walked indecisively towards it. The group breathed a sigh of relief.

Riley paused with his hand on the handle, unsure why he had such a sense of foreboding. Taking a deep breath he turned the handle and entered the room.

Ah… see what I did there? No… oh well… hehe! Sorry this took so long to get up, been COMPLETELY bogged down with coursework, and worse yet to come, so the next chapter may be a while, although hopefully not (fingers crossed!)

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!!!!!- well, what am I supposed to do? Aside from Riley, Dawn's the most annoying character! There really are no words that quite describe just how annoying she is, are there? Lol! And naked Spike… well… what can I say… Spike… Naked…. Naked spike! Yey!

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Azure K Mello- you are my star reviewer! Thank you so much, it's lovely to know you are still reading my story, I worry people may get bored, and I'd never know! My exam wasn't too bad actually, thanks but the worst are yet to come, as I said earlier :S but thanks for your support!! :D mmm… marmite… hehe! Glad you like my story so much! Well… the thing is… it's not that I don't like spuff-fluff, I just never saw myself writing it… but now I am, well, I kinda like it! lol… I know… oh well, why stop a good thing from continuing, up with the spuff-fluff!!

All hail the great god that is Joss! I'll have to try that excuse with my school, do you think a load of Catholics would let me off assembly? Hmm… worth a shot!

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Doodlebug- Frankly darling, it doesn't take much to get you thinking it… you know full well you're as bad as I am!! And how are you going to beta read for me if you don't like my filth?! (Maybe I'll write a Harry Potter fic next… Oh Malfoy! behave!) ;) hehe


	7. In which Alex does something unspeakable...

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This fic is not meant to offend

Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is a parody, so should (hopefully) be funny! **WARNING: much Riley bashing, although unfortunately no naked Spike in this one! Also, if you don't approve of slash, then don't bother with this chappy, as it is included.**

Decided to cut all the crap, seeing as if you haven't picked it up by now you must be bloody slow… or else you're reading it sdrawkcab! Hehe…

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Buffy and the melodramatic parody

Riley leered round the door, his heart thumping. He looked around the gym, trying to spot Joan and Randy, only to find them firmly attached to each other's mouths. He screamed like the woman he is and waddled out of the gym.

Randy and Joan stopped momentarily.

"What was that?" Randy asked huskily,

"Riley…" Joan sighed, as she gave Randy a final kiss and turned to follow the slumped back as it retreated to the main shop.

*

A few minutes later, Riley reached the main shop entrance, where Joan spun him round and came face to face with the kicked puppy look. She shuddered internally and forced a smile

"Riley… Look, it's not what it looks like. Well…maybe it is, I don't know. What did it look like?"

He took a deep breath and his pig like eyes began to fill with water

"I thought you liked me!" he whimpered

"Yeah… well… uh… what gave you that impression?" Joan stammered out.

Riley held up his hands to start a list when Randy came up behind Joan and put his hands on her waist,

"Come on gorgeous, I'm bored. Ditch the loser and lets get out of here" he murmured in her ear. 

She swatted him away, and gave Riley a tight smile 

"Excuse me…" she said and dragged Randy off by the hand. Riley stared after her, bemused as to what had happened, then slumped off to the main room to wallow in depression (although not with alcohol because no-one ever drinks unless they are bad people…on second thoughts…) 

Riley stared down at the bottle that had appeared in his hand, and shrugging, took a swig of it. 

The scoobies stared at Riley, then shrugged and returned to their conversations. 

At that moment the door slammed open and someone almost unrecognisable strode into the shop.

"Good lord…"

"AAAAH!!"

"Didn't we gag her?"

"Uh…"

"W-w-who?… W-w-what?"

"Alex? Is this about sex? Or money? Or some combination of the two?" 

"Darling, not EVERYTHING is about sex and money you know."

"I know. Just most things" Anya replied amiably.

Alex stood in the doorway dressed in ass-tight flares, a bright pink shirt that was half open, a gold medallion and six-inch heels.

He swaggered into the shop, and stared in a derisive fashion at Willow and Tara. A slight stumble on the steps ruined the look a little but all the same he was an intimidating sight.

He stood with one hand on his hip, looking like some bizarre '70's model when the back door slammed open and Randy and Joan shuffled into the shop, looking slightly flustered. 

They looked up at the same time, then turned and walked back out of the room. Peering round the door again the silence was broken by their hysterical fits of laughter that were clearly audible even through the closed door.

A few minutes later they emerged, still composing themselves. 

"Hi Alex" Joan said, in as calm a voice as she could manage. She sounded somewhat like cat on helium.

"Alright _Pet_" Randy said in a tone that almost masked the sarcasm. (I say almost in the way that Rupert's English.) 

Alex… blushed.

"Hi, Randy" Alex said coyly, smiling up at Randy from under heavily made-up eyelashes.

Randy looked confused.

"So… What happened?" Willow asked tentatively.

"Well, after you so publicly broke up with me," he said coldly, drawing mildly confused looks from the other scoobies "I decided that I didn't need you to be happy. I've found a new way of life."

Joan glanced at Randy, wondering if he was trying to hold in his amusement as much as she was. From the way his nostrils were flared she guessed that he was. 

The smirk disappeared however when Alex tottered over to sit next to Randy, pressing up to him as much as was possible without looking conspicuous.

Randy shifted uncomfortably, trying to get his leg away from Alex's wandering hand.

Alex stopped momentarily, then crept his hand back.

*One hour later*

Willow and Tara had made their excuses and left half an hour ago, and Rupert and Anya were… exercising in the gym.

"I'd better take Umad back to my- uh… Buffy's house. I won't be long" she said, kissing Randy on the head. He gave her a pleading look which she ignored, grabbing Umad by the arm and dragging her out of the shop.

Riley staggered out after her, in a drunken stupor and Randy had a feeling it wouldn't be long before-

*THWACK*

"Yup, there it is" Randy muttered to himself, half amused, half trying to get Alex to let go of his leg.

He glanced round the table realising just how far he had shuffled round. He was now almost back where he had started.

"Alex…" he started

"Yes?" Alex replied, batting his eyelids sweetly at the manly man in front of him.

"What…exactly are you doing?" Randy asked tactfully

Alex looked down at his hands, which were wrapped not-so-subtly around Randy's thigh.

"Well… uh… I…" Alex struggled to find the words. Then decided he'd try Tara's approach.

Leaning over (not far) he gently cupped Randy's head in one hand and drew it towards him. He closed his eyes as his lips made contact with Randy's. 

Randy didn't pull away so Alex deepened the kiss. Opening his mouth he pushed his tongue into Randy's mouth. Alex slid his hand up Randy's thigh and felt the protuberance there

*Jesus he's a big boy! Looks like he lives up to his name!* Alex thought.

As Alex reached for the zipper on Randy's trousers Randy leapt up like a salmon.

"JESUS Alex! Hands shouldn't go there! Especially not yours!" Randy exploded,

Alex looked hurt. 

"So you'll kiss me like you should have done years ago… probably… then spurn me when it gets too serious. I see…" 

"Look Alex, I've been dead for 122 years, and I've dabbled with men. But men dressed like you?! No bloody way! Look pet, you're very sweet, but I don't do blokes anymore, yeah? Sorry love…" with that Randy got up and went after Joan.

*Wait a second* he thought *I've been dead for HOW many years? My memory… it's coming back!*

*WHACK*

Ooh! Aren't you scared for poor little Spikey? Never fear, I'm sure he'll be ok!

One review for chapter 6?! Come on people, the little button is simply BEGGING you to press it!

Wolf116: thanks! I'm so glad someone else appreciates Dawn and Riley bashing, oh and of course naked spike! I'm planning for Riley to die and take Dawn with him, but I'm not quite sure how yet! Any suggestions? :D

Dork with a Fork 

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	8. In which there is an unexpected visitor

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This fic is not meant to offend

Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is a parody, so should (hopefully) be funny! **WARNING: much Dawn and Riley bashing, the possibility of naked Spike and also, if you don't approve of slash, then don't bother, not that there's much, but there is some. **

Decided to cut all the crap, seeing as if you haven't picked it up by now you must be bloody slow… or else you're reading it sdrawkcab! Hehe…

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Buffy and the Melodramatic Parody

Joan hurried back along the path to the Magic Box, wondering what her Randy was doing right now. She dreamily imagined him lying in front of her in the path staring up at her with those great, manly eyes and clutching his head… wait…

"Randy?! What are you doing?" Joan exclaimed, staring down at the man lying on the path in front of her, clutching his head and staring up at her with his great, manly eyes.

"Randy? Bloody hell woman, I've just walked into a sodding _tree_ and all you can do is call me bleedin' names? What kind of a name is Randy anyway? I'd bloody kill myself if I was called Randy. Sounds like a sex crazed maniac!"

Joan arched an eyebrow at him, 

"Don't play games Randy, I've just had to deal with _Umad_ or whatever, and then Riley practically _stalking_ me home, drunk of all things! I just need a little… attention…" Joan said straddling Randy as he lay in the path. She lay over him and ran her hands up his manly stomach

"What's say we go back to my house and have a little fun?" Joan said in a sultry voice

"Even better luv, let's go back to mine! I don't know who the hell you are, but I'm not gonna refuse an invitation like _that_!" he said, leering at Joan.

She leant back sharply and slapped his stomach with her hand.

"What?" she said stonily. She hit him again

"What?!" Randy, stop it! I thought we were you know… past all this bantering, you were the vampire with a soul, fighting other demons and whatnot, and I was the gorgeous slayer, protecting the world from evil and whatever. I don't have to put up with your games!" She sat back on her heels and crossed her arms sulkily.

"Look luv, I really have no idea what you're talking about" he said gently.

Joan looked up at him suspiciously. Then, seeing the confusion in his eyes, it dawned on her

"You really don't do you?" she said 

"Wait, what did you say had happened to you?" 

He looked suddenly embarrassed,

"Ah… well… I might have… maybe… walked into a… sort of a… tree shaped thing… or at least I assume I did, seeing as how I'm now lying at the bottom of one, with a bugger of a bruise on my forehead."

Joan coughed loudly to cover the sound of her hysterical laughter

"Either that or something about Jimi Hendrix and a cucumber."

Joan choked and stopped laughing, as dozens of images flew into her head.

She shook herself to get the last one out. It involved Jimi Hendrix, a cucumber and a nun.

"Come on…whoever you are. Lets get to the Ma… this place I know so we can figure out what to do with you."

"Spike." He said.

"Bless you, now come on" Joan grabbed his arm to move him, but he pulled back and lit a cigarette.

"No luv, that's my name. Spike. As in railroad." 

"Oh. OH!" Joan said, remembering suddenly the page from her- no, Buffy's diary

"Uh… that's… uh… original, shall we go?" she said, laughing nervously as she stumbled over her words in a vague attempt to hide her shock.

*At the Magic Box*

"Where's Rupert, he seems like a leadery guy. Randy's lost his memory. Again. What do I do with him?" Joan asked as she burst into the shop, dragging Spike behind her.

Alex looked up from where he sat, and raised an eyebrow suggestively. He opened his mouth to say something lewd, but closed it when Spike fell about laughing at the sight of him.

"What?" he said, offended.

"Man, you big poof! You remind me of someone… with that angelic peachy complexion, and that nancy boy hair gel… argh! Who was he?" Spike gasped out, when he had himself under control.

At that point the door burst open, and a swirl of smoke came in, followed by a man in a leather jacket that Joan thought was nowhere near as impressive as the one in her wardrobe, belonging to Spike.

"Buffy! Thank God I've found you! I've been looking everywhere! Well… here… and there's something very important I have to tell you! You're in great danger!" 

The shop's inhabitants looked up at the man blankly.

"HUH?!" 

Hehe… can you guess who it is yet? (With bad Australian accent)

Sorry it's taken so long to get this one up! Hopefully the next one will be quicker, although I have exams soon, so I'll do my best!

Tinkerbell- cheers! Well… who doesn't love Dawn/Riley bashing? And I think Angel should be making an appearance at any moment! I'm not sure what's going to happen with Alex/Randy yet…but we'll see!

Wolf116- what would I do without your reviews? You definitely get the award for most regular reviewer! Hehe, I have to agree, painful deaths are the best for people like Dawn and Riley! Mm… torture…good idea!

Dork with a Fork

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	9. In which Joan spends a lot of time stari...

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This fic is not meant to offend

Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is a parody, so should (hopefully) be funny! **WARNING: much Dawn and Riley bashing, the possibility of naked Spike and also, if you don't approve of slash, then don't bother, not that there's much, but there is some. **

Decided to cut all the crap, seeing as if you haven't picked it up by now you must be bloody slow… or else you're reading it sdrawkcab! Hehe…

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Buffy and the Melodramatic Parody

Joan smiled nervously at the tall, dark, broody man standing in front of her.

"Hi!" she said. "I'm Joan," she said.

The man stared blankly at her.

"Buffy! This is no time for jokes; you're in serious danger! There's this demon headed for Sunnydale and I think it might target you." The man paused.

"And maybe start an apocalypse." He said.

"And… maybe try to kill you." He added recklessly.

"Gee… I don't know who you are, but you obviously know something about *demons*" she whispered.

"Buffy! You don't recognise me?! It's your one true love!" she stared blankly at him. "Surely you can't have forgotten me!" She stared blankly at him. "It's me! Angel!" She stared blankly at him. "You know… we had sex, I turned evil, you stabbed me, I came back as nice Angel, you kept me secret!" She stared blankly at him. "Eventually I went to L.A to do a spin- I mean to become a detective!" She stared blankly at him. "Come on!" He said. She stared blankly at him.

"Look, you seem very…*strange. SAY strange!!*… nice" Joan said awkwardly "but I really have no idea who you are." 

"OH GOD! IT'S GOT TO YOU ALREADY!" the man slapped both hands to his faced, screamed like a woman and ran out of the shop.

Joan stared blankly after him. 

"Ok now that was weird…"

"I'll say!" Said Spike/Randy, (hell, lets call him Ikandy. Hehe… say it fast and you'll understand…I hope!) as he turned to Joan. "

"Did anyone else notice that he _always_ spoke in exclamation marks? Or was it just me?" Joan said, obviously unimpressed (That's exclamation _points_ for you American type people.)

"It wasn't just you luv. I also have a strange urge to follow that guy and punch the living hell out of him… but I don't know why…" Ikandy said, with a bemused smirk on his face. (Hard to picture… but try!)

"I have a similar feeling myself. Although I feel quite outraged that he left me if he was _supposed _to be my 'one true love' or whatever." 

Ikandy moved over to her and put his arms around her. 

"There there luv" he said in a sultry voice, as he nestled his head into her hair.

"Uh-uh! Not until you've remembered who you are… or _were_ until an hour ago…" Joan said forcing him away (with some effort and not entirely because of his refusal to move.)

"Look luv, I can't remember a bloody thing. Other than my name, and strangely... Where I live. *Ahem…* And anyway…" he said changing the subject swiftly "that bloke wasn't much better, he called you 'Buffy' whoever that is!" Ikandy said disdainfully. 

Then to himself he said, 

"Buffy… now there's another weird name… keep hearing those today for some reason."

Joan sat down and stared wistfully up at him, thinking of all the mad sex they could be having. She sighed heavily and he looked at her with raised eyebrows.

"Something the matter luv?" he leered.

"What?! No! I was just…uh… thinking" she said, laughing nervously.

"'Bout what?" Ikandy said suggestively, sitting next to her,

"Uh… just stuff…" Joan fumbled

"Anything in *particular*" Ikandy said moving closer and looking meaningfully at her.

*Damn… he's not gonna let this one go is he?* Joan thought to herself

Luckily (for Joan at least) the door suddenly burst open. Again.

"Look. Whoever the hell you are just GO. AWAY. If you need it any clearer then go outside and someone will _not_ be out to talk to you. Ok?" Joan said, crossing her arms and arching an eyebrow.

"I… j-just… wanted some… candles…" the weedy looking guy at the door said. Joan started to get out of her chair. "But it can wait!" the guy said before turning tail and running out of the shop.

"Jeez! Some people have _no_ manners!" Joan commented, flumping back in her chair.

SO sorry for the time it's taken to get this bloody thing up! And sorry it's so short! But it's not my fault! I've got my GCSE's in a week, so writing could be slow… sorry if it is! I'll do my best! But please don't give up on me!

But in the meantime, here's a fun game to play! If you press the cute little button down there, then this box pops up, and you can write to me! How cool is that? Go on, give it a try! :D

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Tinkerbell- Hey, thanks for reviewing again! Well done with the guessing! Did my clues give it away? Hope so! Well… for whatever reason I just decided that spike should re-lose his memory only this time he just remembers his name and where he lives… not sure why, just seemed funny at the time! Lol! Hopefully there will be some Angel bashing, I'll try to work it in! well, to be honest I'm not sure how long this fic is going to be. but I'm pretty sure it's not going to be, like forty chapters! We'll see! :D

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Wolf116- Ah… sweet, sweet painful torture for those characters we all know and hate! I've GOT to work that in somewhere! I know the Spike thing's a bit… well… odd, but hopefully it'll turn out ok! I don't know yet! The story kind of writes itself if you know what I mean… hehe


	10. In which there is ranting about The Matr...

Author's Note:  
  
Just wanted to say sorry to anyone still reading this story for the delays in updates. If there are any people still reading it.  
  
*Tumbleweed ball rolls slowly past to the sound of a vaguely whistling  
wind. I stand and watch it, moving my head in time to its movements.*  
  
But hey, for anyone who's waiting, (all one of you. maybe.) it shouldn't be long now. I just have to discuss with my beta whether to go with a particular story line that's writing itself, or to stick to my original idea. (That sounds organised doesn't it? And you people think I've actually planned this thing out! Fools! Mwah ha ha!)  
  
Anyway, seeing as none of you seem to like my fun game called reviewing, I'll give you an incentive. If you review, you get my eternal love and a mention in the story. Now wouldn't that be cool? Yes it would. YES, it would. Don't argue with me now; just press the damn button! :D thanks!  
  
Oh and by the way, for anyone who likes the Matrix (are there any people that don't???) my GORGEOUS friend (I say friend, I mean acquaintance. But I wish he was my friend. And a whole lot more. *cough cough* *shifty eyes* ) Anyway, my gorgeous "friend" who just happens to be Ben Kingsley's son (DON'T tell me you haven't heard of Ben Kingsley! *shakes head sadly*) ANYWAY, he went to the premier of the second film. And if that wasn't enough. Keanu Reeves sat behind him, Laurence Fishbourne was on the same row as him, and the virus twins tapped him on the shoulder at the end and asked him what he thought. To which he replied with an "oh-my-god-it-was- amazing" kind of expression! Damn bloody lucky person!  
  
I haven't got to see the film yet unfortunately. *grumbles* but I'm working on it! Hope you liked my little story there. if you did, REVIEW and tell me (see how I worked that in there? Subtle as a brick I am!)  
  
Anyway, promise I'll update soon! (Half term's coming up so I'll have time then! In between learning 20 pages of script and revising *grumbles*)  
  
Dork with a Fork  
  
xxx 


	11. In which there is an ohsosubtle referenc...

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This fic is not meant to offend

Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is an AU parody, so should (hopefully) be funny! **WARNING: much Dawn and Riley bashing, the possibility of naked Spike and also, if you don't approve of slash, then don't bother, not that there's much, but there is some. **

Decided to cut all the crap, seeing as if you haven't picked it up by now you must be bloody slow… or else you're reading it sdrawkcab! Hehe…

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Buffy and the Melodramatic Parody

Joan leant back in her chair and pulled a cigarette from the packet she had found in Spike's duster. She lit it, and began to smoke it. 

Rupert suddenly loomed out of the shadows, cleaning his glasses. Joan leapt about six feet in the air and dropped her cigarette, instantly incinerating three ancient texts and Alex's burrito.

"JESUS Rupert! Don't DO that!" she cried. She then picked up her cigarette, which was now covered in chili.

"Damnit." 

"Janet." Rupert replied mildly. Joan gave him an odd look.

"I love you!" Spike cried as he flew through the door from the gym.

"What?!" Joan asked, more than a little confused.

"You heard. I love you. I was sitting in the back after that nancy boy left, and I suddenly realised. I love you." He smiled and took a step towards her.

Rupert skulked off into the shadows again, sensing this wasn't a good moment to tell Joan about his innermost fantasies.

Joan suddenly had a flash,

~* She was in a crypt- wait. A _crypt?_- and… Spike was there looking _really_ sexy in his duster, but a bit… stupid with his hair slicked back. He told her he loved her. And she… she…- no wait. This is so wrong- she rejected him. Viciously. *~

"Woah… deja vu…" she said, frowning.

"What is it pet?" Spike said anxiously, reverting more and more to the Spike we know and love. *swoons*

He took another step towards her and she took one backwards.

"Wait. Stop it. Just… just leave me alone for a minute ok… I just need… I need some space…" Joan said, getting more and more breathless and confused.

She ran out of the shop and onto the *only* street in Sunnydale. She got to the bridal shop next door before collapsing, unconscious, onto the cold, hard concrete.

*Six hours later*

__

She was looking down at herself. She looked younger than she was now and she was wearing a *very* short skirt and knee high boots. Good god…what am I wearing? And what's going on with my hair? And there was Willow, what's going on with** her** hair? She looks like a dork! And Rupert… wearing a large amount of tweed and standing in a library. That's odd. She couldn't hear anything that was going on, but it all seemed slightly faded, as if it had happened years ago. 

She felt a strong wind around her and suddenly she was looking down at some kind of underground cavern. There was a really freaky looking man- at least, she supposed he was a man- standing in the centre of the room. He seemed to be talking to a group of vampires. He walked over to an area of the cavern that didn't seem particularly special, but when he laid his hand on it, the air rippled. 

Another wind –this must be playing havoc with my hair- and she was looking down at herself again. She was in a part of Sunnydale that she didn't recognise (for obvious reasons!) and she was talking to the exclamation mark (point) guy. Odd thing was, he didn't look any different, whereas she still looked so young. He handed her a small box, which she opened. Joan tried to lean in closer to see what was in the box, and glimpsed a silver cross before the invisible force holding her gave way and she tumbled forward, apparently into the scene before her. 

She sat up with a start. It was dark again.

"Bloody hell!" She thought to herself. 

"You would have thought someone would have found me before sundown. What great friends I have." Joan muttered sarcastically to herself as she hauled her stiff body up off the sidewalk. Stretching herself thoroughly she glanced around at her surroundings. 

"Ooh! Pretty!" She thought, moving to the bridal shop window, and pressing her hands and nose to the glass as she ogled the meringue shaped dresses. 

Suddenly she heard a muffled scream from inside the shop. It was obviously closed, as it was… you know… evening… so naturally our little heroin was suspicious. Finding the door open she stepped inside and was met by two further screams joined by one from herself. 

"Buffy! It's not what you think!" 

Ooh, cliffhanger or what? Sorry for the shortness, hopefully the next one will be longer, but revision is… no actually I'm not doing much revision, but I do have over twenty pages of script to learn in two weeks which is a bitch…

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Joesarah97- thanks! Doesn't everyone hate Riley? I think anyone who likes him should be deeply ashamed! And Dawn… don't even get me started on… _that_. Anyway, hope you've had the patience to keep reading!

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Melian- Thank you! That's always nice to hear! Shame on you that you don't know who Ben Kingsley is! Honestly! He's been in Gandhi, Sexy Beast, Twelfth Night, Schindler's List, Species, Photographing Fairies, Anne Frank, and about a million other things? Please? L 

Anyway, I'm getting off track… I will bring Angel back, but only to be beaten and have the piss taken out of, so avert your eyes if this offends you (but keep reading!) oh. A simple question for you… how does Dawn not irritate the hell out of you? I'm actually curious, not trying to be scathing or horrible, I actually want to know! Ok, I'll bear in mind that they do drink, it's just most episodes I've seen have only had "baddies" drinking, and like in OMWF when she goes to Spike's crypt and he offers her the drink and she says "A world of no." so that's what I was basing it on… oh well!

Ok the whole "still calling her Joan" thing is because she's mostly sure, but no-one else (except Spike) knows she is. When they all know who each other are, then their names change… I hope that's not too confusing! Blimey I wrote a lot! :D

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Doodlebug- Yeah ok… but to be honest it wasn't two chapters coz you wrote one at my house. So now we're even coz I wrote an authors note. Alright? :D

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Wolf116- You are still my most faithful reviewer, so thanks! Big cheesy thumbs up to you! The whole Ikandy/Eye candy thing was pretty inspired, I'm impressed with myself! What can I say. I'm a genius! Lol! Mmm… Spike naked… *drools* oops! Sorry… yeah I like Angel too, but he's a dick when he's around Buffy. I'm sorry, but he is coming back… but only to get beaten up again!

I have a fantastic torture for Riley and/or Angel… but you'll have to wait and see. I'm still trying to think of something for Umad…

Hope you're all still reading! 

Dorkus with a Forkus

xxx


	12. In which there is a surprising revelatio...

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This fic is not meant to offend

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WARNING: much Dawn, Angel and Riley bashing, the possibility of naked Spike and also, if you don't approve of slash, then don't bother, not that there's much, but there is some. 

Decided to cut all the crap, seeing as if you haven't picked it up by now you must be bloody slow… or else you're reading it sdrawkcab! Hehe…

This chapter is a bit of an outing from the plot… (yes, that's it… keep them thinking that you have a plot for this story…) Just so you know…

I'd forgotten all about the manly Spike thing, so be prepared for lots more of that in upcoming chapters!

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Buffy and the Melodramatic Parody

Joan stood there with her mouth hanging wide open as she stared gobsmacked at the sight before her. The volume of the screaming had intensified as the door had swung open.

The earsplitting scream stopped abruptly when the offender was hit in the chest by the figure next to them. 

The shrieking screams had caused Rupert, Anya, Willow, Alex, Tara and Ikandy to come running in from next door. They all crashed into each other as they caught sight of what all the fuss was about.

"Nice of you to show up…" Joan grumbled. She thought for a moment, annoyed that some of them had passed her to get the Magic Box when she was lying on the floor. She opened her mouth to express her annoyance when they all butted in with the same remark.

Hysterical laughter.

Joan blinked, turning her attention back to the scene before her. The reaction of the others had loosened her own, and she joined the shrieks of laughter. 

For several (ok, ten) minutes the laughter continued, until one of the people being laughed at finally snapped.

"Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up!! Look! I'm not ashamed! My friend here obviously is, but I don't think there's anything wrong with me!"

The laughter stopped abruptly as this tirade spewed forth. When it was done they all burst out laughing again. 

The indignant party sat down on a handily placed chair to sit it out.

*Two Hours Later*

Finally the shrieks became snorts, then the snorts turned into giggles, then the giggles into snickers, then the snickers died away.

Joan, Ikandy, Anya, Rupert, Alex, Willow and Tara all stared at the figures now lying on the ground before them, waiting for some sort of explanation.

Angel glanced at Riley before beginning his story.

"Well, I met Riley on his way to your house after you had so brutally rejected him! He was getting drunk, and since drink is the Devil's own water I took it off him! He soon sobered up enough to tell me of your cruel rejection though! I realized why he had been drinking, and we went to get right royally pissed."

The group (including the very slow Riley) stared at him, waiting for the exclamation mark (point).

"What?!" he said, and they all blinked with relief.

"Anyway!" he said, giving them strange looks.

"We got very pissed and ended up trying to get back to the Magic Box to give Buffy a telling off (here he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively) when we got the wrong doorway and ended up here! We saw the dresses, and because we were so drunk we put them on. The shoes were a natural progression, and the wigs, make-up and purses just felt right! You know… at the time, when we were drunk!"

Joan arched an eyebrow at the sorry pair, and Ikandy snorted with laughter,

"Bloody bollocks!" he exclaimed, sneering at them,

"They may be gullible enough to believe that, but I'm a vampire. I can smell alcohol from a mile off, and there isn't a drop fresh on either of you."

Angel coughed none-too-subtly and Riley blushed a deep shade of pink that clashed horribly with his wig.

The ridiculousness of the situation was evident to anybody who could see it. 

Angel was dressed in a knee length, tight sheath dress that showed every bulge of his body. He had a tightly curled blonde wig that looked surprisingly natural and five-inch stiletto heels. He clutched a large embroidered purse close to his chest, and looked out from under bright blue eye shadow and heavy blusher.

Riley wore a low cut meringue dress that showed up his hairy chest and drooped a few inches off the floor due to his height plus the six inch pointy shoes he wobbled on. He had a bouquet of daisies in his fist, and wore a vibrant orange sixties style wig. The scarlet lipstick clashed both with his hair and his face. Quite an accomplishment for such a dickhead.

"Ok FINE!" said Angel in his usual manner. "We were dressing up so we could look like YOU Buffy, because we're both madly in love with you and wanted to act out our most erotic fantasies on each other because we knew you'd never oblige!"

Buffy glanced at Ikandy before a shudder shook her entire body. Ikandy, however, remained unfazed.

"Bollocks" he said again, casually.

"Ok FINE!" Angel said once more (with feeling), and he grabbed Riley's hand in his.

"We're gay."

YEY! Sorry for the delay but the worst of exams are OVER!!! And, more importantly… I'VE SEEN THE MATRIX RELOADED!!! And it's just as fab as I'd thought… got thoroughly confused though, so I'll just have to see it again! What a shame! ;)

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MindOverMatter - The no criticism thing I can definitely handle! Thanks for being a lovely reviewer! Well you know… I try… Dawn bashing is easily done for me, and describing Spike in any other way than manly? No thank you! :D keep reviewing like you do and I'll keep writing!

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Melian - well… it's true! There IS only one street in Sunnydale! Ok, well thanks for giving me another perspective! And actually the season six finale… with the tiny bit of backbone, made me like her a teensy, teensy bit more (did I mention it was a teensy bit?)

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Azure K Mello - Sorry to disappoint you on the whole X/S thing… maybe later on ;) Xander will stay gay though! oh, by the way, I'll try to get the next chapter to you soon! Just thought I should update my own fic first! And I'd only incorporate ideas that were worth putting in! Ah the Matrix… *gets lost in thought* Lol, Link's sister in law is one lucky bitch! Although I'd be more jealous if she were sleeping with Keanu too… ooh…

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Wolf116- what a fantastic idea! Or like Barbie- "Shear your own Umad! So many crazy different styles to create!" heehee! Thanks for the entertainment! Keep amusing me with your fantastic ideas!


	13. In which the Author gets back into it

**This fic is not meant to offend**

**WARNING: much Dawn, Angel and Riley bashing, the possibility of naked Spike and also, if you don't approve of slash, then don't bother, not that there's much, but there is some. It's not smutty per se… but there are definite innuendos and mentionings of smutty topics!**

Not mine. Wish it was. Spike…mmm… That's all I have to say. :D

And I couldn't just carry on without casually mentioning the fact that I haven't updated for about a million years… but I have a good reason! All the rough work for it is on my old computer which is dead…stares mournfully at comps grave, so what I've done is to copy ALL the chapters off and onto my new comp. god that took ages… but I've done it! Just for you! So I'll try my utmost to write more now! Especially as I've now finished school! Woo! Although this does mean that I don't have any of my ideas  so I'll just have to make it up again…

Also I may try and re-write the first few chapters coz they're pretty bad on re-reading them!

Anyway… must stop procrastinating! Right. Here we go! The first new chapter for many many months!

**Buffy and the Melodramatic Parody**

In vast contrast to the events of the previous chapte- cough _hours _a stunned silence filled the bridal wear shop. The absurdity of the situation was quite overwhelming. Two fully grown, supposedly macho men were standing, dressed in full wedding gear… and telling them that they were gay.

Joan collapsed in a dead faint. Luckily (for both of them) Ikandy had already sat on the floor, and provided a handy, manly (if a little… lumpy) seat for her.

"Pet?" he said, manfully concerned for her wellbeing. Joan didn't reply (being unconscious has that effect on some people).

Angel and Riley blinked down at the fallen woman, looked back up to see Ikandy staring at them with one eyebrow raised and decided that fainting was quite a good idea. They both tumbled to the floor, ending up in a very compromising position, eliciting a snort of laughter from Ikandy.

_She was looking down again, unable to see her own body, but feeling it suspended securely in the air. This time she saw a warehouse type building, with muffled sounds of vampires talking to some little kid. The sounds gradually increased, as if the volume had been turned up. _

"_This weekend, the night of St. Vigeous, our power shall _

_be at its peak. When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the _

_crucifixion. And I should know. I was there."_

_Hearing this sudden clear speech she looked up and glanced round the scene, only to see her beloved Ikandy enter the scene. He was looking unbelievably hot (as usual),_

"You_ were there?" and he laughed, -oh god he's hot when he laughs- _

"_Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock!" _

_She laughed along with him, and revelled in the scornful (obviously confused) expression of the vampire. After speaking for a moment more, a woman emerged from the shadows._

_She got the briefest of glimpses, taking in a white dress, incredibly pale face and long dark hair before she felt the strong wind and the scene before her swept away and she saw a middle aged woman wielding an axe, about to hit Ikandy, then the same woman talking to Joan herself. While these tiny snatches of action flashed before her the wind continued, gathering speed and force. _

_This time the scene stopped and she had time to take it all in. Alex stood in full army uniform with an enormous…gun. Willow stood in some unusually sexy clothes, but appeared to be…what? A ghost! And Joan herself…she looked amazing… she couldn't take her eyes of herself as she stood there in a beautiful pink period dress, her hair long and dark, wild around her shoulders. Suddenly the wind stopped and she began to fall forward again. She began to gather speed and the pavement drew nearer and nearer. Just as she began to panic the scene disappeared._

"That was weird…" She struggled to a sitting position, rubbing her eyes "how long was I out for?" she asked anyone who was listening.

"About five minutes, pet" replied a soothingly familiar and manly voice from behind her. She struggled to her feet, with a helping hand from Ikandy (although not necessarily a helping hand in the appropriate place!) After she had removed Ikandy's hand from her arse (with protests from both parties) she took in the rest of the party.

Everyone was ignoring Angel and Riley in their compromising position, for fear of rupturing an internal organ through too much laughing.

Joan continued looked around, waiting for some big drama to happen. Gradually the conversations died out as one by one the Scoobies waited uneasily for something to happen… and waited… and waited…

Suddenly! Rupert left. Then they waited some more.

Thought I'd leave it on a slightly odd note there! All prepared for the massively dramatic events that will follow soon enough. Hope this chappy's ok, I know it's a little slow and short, but I just wanted to get back into the swing of this story!

**Melian7** – yeah they would have seen Buffy on their way to the shop, that's the point:D I thought it was rather amusing myself… :D

**MindOverMatter -** :D Thanks for a brilliant review there! Hmm, I like the idea of bringing Principal Wood in… I may do just that!

**CaiteeMarsters –** lol! You lucky, lucky lady! I think I'd be exactly the same if I met the gorgeous one! I'd probably collapse into a big pile of slobber on the floor! I thought the idea of Angel in that dress would gross a few people out, me included! And don't get me wrong, I love Xander, I'm just using him for my own devious purposes here :D

**Wolf116 –** hehe! Ronald MacDonald… it was just the rankest thing I could think of :D I also detest Macdonalds, although (thankfully) I don't work there! Hope you'll keep reading and feeding me good ideas!

**SpikeLover520 –** I would gladly steal Spike away with you! Although I couldn't deal with the only yours part! He's just too damn sexy! Its unnatural!

**Spikespet2002 –** thanks for reviewing so much! Riley's just randomly in it! I thought as its AU anyway I'd just throw Riley in there for some extra comedy/character bashing  I'm glad you call them exclamation marks, I feel very wrong saying "points", together we will educate the rest of America! Mwah ha! I'm thinking I should throw in ASH as Frank-N-Furter, you've inspired me! I'm always cheered up to meet a fellow Rocky fan :D Maybe I should get a sign "Don't feed the Umad" to put over her cage in the zoo!

**Angelsumoritos –** hehe naked spike is ALWAYS good! I just had to put some character bashing in…they annoy me so much:D here's you update, hopefully the next won't be too long coming!

Your mission now (should you choose to accept it. And you better!) is to press that teeny little shiny, shiny button and leave me a shiny, shiny review :D

Oooh…press me…


	14. In which Joan loses her poptart

**This fic is not meant to offend**

**WARNING: much Dawn, Angel and Riley bashing, the possibility of naked Spike and also, if you don't approve of slash, then don't bother, not that there's much, but there is some. It's not smutty per se… but there are definite innuendos and mentionings of smutty topics!**

Not mine. Wish it was. Spike…mmm… That's all I have to say. :D

Oh! And _italics_ are generally thoughts!

I'm trying to write this again seriously… (obviously not _seriously_…that would be silly in a parody…) and I had my first exam today (only 5 left!) so gimme some leeway ok :D chars!

**Buffy and the Melodramatic Parody**

After a while, Joan got bored of the waiting, so she shoved Angel and Riley into a postbox (that's a "mailbox" to you American types), made her excuses to the others and walked back to Buffy's house.

Anya scurried off to find Rupert, Willow and Tara went back to the Magic Box, and Alex went to talk to Angel and Riley through the letterbox slot.

Ikandy, obviously, skulked after Joan.

Joan let herself in through the window, resolving to find a bag that looked as if it could be hers and grab some keys. She began to wander through the house, trying to familiarise herself with it in order to bring back some memories. This didn't work, although she did manage to find the fridge and work the toaster…

She started climbing the stairs, munching thoughtfully on her pop-tart, when suddenly a voice broke through the silence permeating the house.

"Buffy? Is that you? Is Dawn with you?"

Joan froze. She hadn't considered that anyone else might be there.

"Buffy?"

Joan frantically scoured her mind, looking for some semblance of logic.

"_Er…er…well…um…it's a woman's voice… that's a start right? Right… think Joan! Think! Ok. She doesn't sound room-mate-y, and she asked about the evil one, which either means she knows who she is OR…she doesn't… And she's here… and so am I…"_

"Buffy? Is that you?" The voice sounded more scared now.

"_And I'm what? Twenty? So I can't still be living at home… she must be… my LANDLADY! That's it! and I must have been keeping Umad here for questioning, passing her off as some kind of relative! That's it!"_

"Uh… Hello ma'am, don't worry, I'm back now. Uh… _Umad! Say umad!_ DAWN'S with me, but she's uh… tired. Night! You go back to sleep lady."

"_Phew! Think I pulled that one off alright!"_

"Buffy? What's wrong? Why are you acting so strangely, darling?" The voice was fainter now, as though the woman was retreating…perhaps searching for a heavy object.

"_SHIT! Please don't tell me I'm her bitch!"_

"Sweetie?"

"_Shit I really am… how can I deal with this? I'll just have to tell her I'm not that kind of girl, and I'll have to pay my rent some other way."_

Joan took a few more steps up the stairs wondering how to sort the situation out to a conclusion which wouldn't be too painful for anyone. She reached the landing and stared down the row of closed doors.

Suddenly there was a bright flash like lightning – but inside, and Joan fell face first into the carpet (dropping her pop-tart, I might add.)

A moment later she raised her head, spitting out little bits of white fluff and wondering what the hell just happened. Her first thought was to make sure her pop-tart was ok. Don't worry, it was, just a bit…fluffy…

She glanced around furtively, checking no-one could see her, before blowing the dust off it and preparing to take a bite.

"Alright, pet?" came a manly voice from behind. Joan jumped and once again the pop-tart flew through the air.

"CURSE YOU! Pesky kids…" muttered Joan, mourning the loss of the sweet, sweet pop-tart. "What're you doing here, anyway?" She snapped, still grumpy about her food.

"Came to see if you were alright love" Ikandy said manfully, grasping Joan's hand tightly as he effortlessly lifted her from the ground and against his throbbing… er… pecs…

"God you're Randy! I mean… your name was…" Joan mumbled as she shifted slightly against Ikandy projecting "pecs", "have you seen my bedroom in your present incarnation?" Joan asked innocently, instantly forgetting the strange voice she'd heard earlier.

"Er…no…" Ikandy lied, pressing himself even closer to Joan. She grinned wickedly and dragged him through the door before pushing him over on the bed and leaping on top of him.

A muffled cry of "bloody hell!" was heard before some other noises emerged, which it would not be appropriate for me to put on here looks motherly-ly down over half-moon glasses that I don't have

An hour later they emerged, panting from beneath the bedclothes. Joan suddenly remembered the voice, and wondered what the woman must have thought of the extremely loud ruckus they'd just been making. She got up and threw a silk kimono over her naked skin, and peered cautiously around the door.

Nothing.

_Perhaps she didn't hear us_ Joan thought to herself.

"Yeah and maybe the Pope's Catholic, love" chuckled an extremely manly voice from behind her.

_What!_

"I said, 'and maybe the Pope's Catholic…' it's not so funny when you repeat it…" Ikandy muttered, muffled as he lit a cigarette.

Joan threw him an immensely confused look and stalked out into the hallway. She stared at one door that she recognised as being the teenager's room and hastily pushed it open.

No-one there. Just a cutesy little room belonging to a sickly teenager. Glancing around it Joan saw a picture of Umad and felt bile rising in her throat as she remembered the woman's voice calling them sisters.

She clamped her eyes tightly shut as she took some deep breaths, waiting for the sick feeling to disperse. It eventually did and she closed the door, wanting to forget that horrific woman's comment.

She leant against the door, and suddenly there was a muffled bump from somewhere inside.

She whipped around and hurled the door open, before reeling back in shock.

It was completely different. Dust covered everything. Paintings were stacked together as though they had been left there for a very long time. The room was dark, and had the neglected, disused feeling that rooms get when they're left for a long time without anyone in them.

By this time Joan was getting quite freaked out. Also pissed off. She was apparently some woman's bitch, Umad's room wasn't Umad's room anymore and most importantly; she'd lost her pop-tart. Could the day get any worse? Answer: No. This is not an angst fic.

Joan slammed the door closed again and shook her head to clear the fuzzy confusion threatening to take over.

Ikandy chose this moment to wander out of her bedroom, fully naked with a cigarette hanging casually from the corner of his mouth.

"Fancy a pop-tart, love?" He asked casually, heading for the stairs. Joan could only grin, blissfully.

Ikandy slapped her on the bottom as he walked past, grinning happily to himself.

"_Huge…"_ Joan thought.

Thought that was a nice place to end it :D Appropriate somehow… Exams are done totally now (yes it took me two weeks to do this chapter :P) and the next one will hopefully be up before I go on holiday (which is the 11th July until the 5th August… So I'm very sorry but you'll be without an update for a good four weeks :( ) But this is an update! So let's be cheery about that! Yay! Update-yness! Also, double yayness, I could possibly have a plot now! Woo! …Not that I was just scribbling crazy drivel before now… cough …

Enjoy,

Kementari

**Cynthia –** Thanks so much! I do my best, but unfortunately I am a little slow on the updates! I'm glad you're all for the British humour, me too :D

**Wolf116 - **:D Love it! Anything to make Angel and Riley look more stupid than they already do! (Hard I know ;) ) Damnit. That would be really interesting… Unfortunately that's not the case… although if my current idea doesn't work out it could well become the plot! Lol!

Now that's not as many reviews as there should be! Come on people, show your appreciation for Angel and Riley looking stupid! Or Naked Spike! Come on! You can't ignore the Naked Spike! Just imagine he's looking up at you from that little button there "ooh…come on loves, review…ooh…" …he'd say… cough

Clicky clicky :)


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